In preparation for a week long writing class, I was given writing assignments. For these assignments, I was provided meditations aimed to clear my mind of the not so nice voice blocking the path to my inner wisdom.. Each assignment is meant to overcome a road block, whether it’s to tap into my imagination or draw out pain that shadows my source.
My First Assignment: answer the following questions.
1) Who has wronged you, hurt you? What did they do? When transpired? How has it adversely affected the direction and quality of my life?
2) Write down the name of the person who did this and next to it write down the words “I forgive you” and what you forgive them for.
It’s interesting to notice what’s coming up with this assignment. The first names to pop into my mind are guys who have hurt me over the years. It’s a fairly easy task to travel back to the age of 16, the first time my heart felt like it was trampled. Next I fast forward to how feeling abandoned played a role in future relationships. He promised me I could trust him. Instead, he turned around and vanished. Again, the age of 20, when the shift from ‘for now’ to a possible ‘forever’ scared him away, at the exact time in my life I needed him the most. This brings me to the ripe age of 31. Painfully, I learned the lesson of how to let go of someone whom I loved, dearly. I had to be honest with myself and admit he had no intention to assign the role of me as priority his pedestal, There wasn’t a future for us. He didn’t day dream. Together, we didn’t plan. We existed in a state of having sex and having fun. No matter how hard I tried to climb to the top to evolve what we shared, it simply couldn’t reach the role of being desired for who I was. But then again, I had to recognized that letting go didn’t claim, defeat.
The definition for “hurt” literally means: to feel pain.
That’s where this exercise gets a tad tricky! While writing about the people who me, I can look back and not only acknowledge but accept it was never about, me. It was them being true to themselves, too. In the midsts of the hurtful chaos, I never imaged one day I’d be “thankful” for the opportunity presented for me to use as self growth. In fact, they helped me to learn, some of life’s most valuable lessons. I evolved from my experiences of being hurt, in the most positive ways.. I’m stronger. I have more confidence in myself. I trust in the process.
It’s almost impossible to sugar coat heartbreak,
Learning through heartbreak is mentally, spiritually and physically… tough. It can stir up an array of emotions, from anger and jealousy, to deep despair. We assume a new label. We aren’t the gal he’s dating. We aren’t the girlfriend. For some, you’re no longer the fiance. There’s a new role. It might be the “other woman”, the “ex” or perhaps… just a “friend”. From this shift, new boundaries emerge from with. We discover both sides of compromising and how putting their needs before our own is disservice to our truth. We discover how powerful it is, to say no. We have to embrace to wave, though wobbly at times, eventually we hold our head high. It’s the ebb and from from Bump to Blessing. At the end of the day the hurt I experienced was a catalyst to the joy I ultimately received. And, deserved. Through the people who showed up next. The experiences I chose for myself. The freedom of no longer living in “love limbo”. Though it ‘s easy to point fingers and blame another for our pain, it’s actually just as easy to bow down with grace and thank for for the gift to learn to let go. This is the human experience. I truly believe we can know the power of perspective without experiencing both the sweet, and the sour. In order to appreciate requires being open to understanding. Rather than refer to the other as hurtful, we thank them for the rejection, knowing it’s meant to serve as a redirection. Perhaps a new friend. A new adventure. A new version of ourselves.
Have I forgiven everyone who’s hurt me? The answer is… yes.
When something doesn’t go my way with someone else, I know it wasn’t intentional. In fact, I can look at a lost love and say, “I recognize you are a good person, I am a good person, but ultimately, we are not good together.” Do I get mad at someone for not wanting what I want? No. I can’t. I know I have been that person to others, not being able to meet them where they want me to be. Do I instantly feel this way? No. It still hurts. However, the more lessons I have learned through, the easier it became. If I give it time and grace, the “silver lining” shines through the dark tunnel, and all is revealed. Some people don’t want to hear, “everything happens for a reason” or ” something positive comes from a something negative”. But, from my personal experiences, I know this to be true. And acceptance is where forgiveness is born
A few examples of how lost love became a found purpose:
- one break up lead me to study London for a semester overseas.
- one inspired me to fulfill a dream of backpacking Australia.
- one encouraged me to spend quality time discovering my creative passions (including writing) and spend more time with myself.
Most importantly the way I reacted to each situation catapulted both my confidence and faith. I pulled myself up from my bootstraps, giving myself permission to allow a bump to become blessing, without shame or regret. Following my heart was a spring-boarded my ability to tap into my heart center and follow my intuition, while heightening my awareness, parting the clouds so my spirit could shine. .
In addition to my emotional gifts came the “new” friends who emerged as a “gift”. I can honestly say from every man I have ever had a serious soul connection with shared a committed relationship with, I actually have a female bestie as a result. Some are friends of him, some were the “other” girl at one time and they are no longer together, some I met after the fact but we shared him in common. These women are what I call my “party favors”, the synchronistic Strangers To Friends with founded in vulnerability, a story shared, and we both stepped up to the plate to hold space for each other.
In order to take the steps towards forgiveness and heal our heart, we must sit with our emotions, no natter how hard it is and how alone we feel… and move through them. Feel the anger, feel the sadness, feel the hurt. Eventually, if you allow yourself, you will come back to joy.,
3 Steps To turn a Bump into a Blessing:
- acknowledge the situation
- admit the situation
- accept the situation
Once you forgive and let go, you regain your self worth and sense of power.
Forgiveness = Freedom.
I’m who I am today from the insight and wisdom gained from people along the way
My recommendation: pull out a piece of paper, a journal or cozy up to your computer. Do this exercise for yourself. Acknowledge who has hurt you. Examine the role you play in the hurt you feel. And choose to move towards the process of forgiveness. Visualize a nest step for yourself. If you could have any blessing from your bump, what would it be? Oh the flip side, if you have moved past the bump, write the blessings you’ve experienced. Acknowledge your growth and all you’ve gain. Your might be surprised from your insight!
Remember, our baggage is beautiful, Our scars are our unique stories that shape us, individually, into our magnificence. There is is beauty in the journey. Though the road might feel bumpy, it’s only after we move past them are we granted the blessing of joy.
I think this is one of your BEST entries to date, thank you for being vulnerable. Your honesty is refreshing and your perspective is inspirational. On a personal note, the timing of this is amazing. I have been focusing on forgiveness also this week, with my prayer group. A few things from my book â€œThe Power of a Praying Womanâ€ â€¦â€unforgiveness is the root of hateâ€ â€œWhen we choose not to forgive, we end up walking in the darkâ€ (1 JOHN 2:9-11) Because we canâ€™t see clearly, we stumble around in confusion.â€
Also â€œforgiveness is a choice we must make every day. We choose to forgive whether we feel like it or not. Itâ€™s a decision, not a feeling. If we wait to have good feelings, we could end up waiting a lifetime. If we have any bitterness or unforgiveness, itâ€™s always our fault for not choosing to let it goâ€¦. If we donâ€™t forgive, we will end up imprisoned by our hatred and tortured by out bitterness.â€
I am so glad you can find the joy through your painful experiences in your past. Think of all the bitter scorned people out there who have held onto every hurt theyâ€™ve experienceâ€¦ the unforgiveness fuels the fire of their discontent and it turns in to bitterness. Who wants to live that way (or be around that?) As you said, we learn from the pain and grow from these experiences. It is not only good for you, but also those around you, to let it go, forgive, and enable yourself to move on. Great piece of work Carlyn. Thanks so much for sharing, and I hope you learn so much in your writing workshop. xoxo
I love Sedona!! What a great exercise 🙂 Thanks for sharing 🙂
Keep up the good work girl. I enjoy an entry from time to time. You are a life force.